wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
