1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
