Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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