that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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