just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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