my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize
