i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
