My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
