Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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