i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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