I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
