Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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