Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
