Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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