you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I came so hard my ears popped.
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