forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
