Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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