so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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