i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
