Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
