I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
