I just threw up on my dentist
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Drunk is not a location!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
