don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
