# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
