Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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