we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
