We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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