I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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