FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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