Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
