Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
