my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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