Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
