Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
