You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
