it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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