got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
