I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize