so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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