I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
