They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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