the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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