no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
