that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I think we might need a safe word for this...
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