Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
It's shark week go big or go home
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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