I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
