was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
