i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
