I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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