I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
