I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
