I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
foreskin is a definite game changer
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
