Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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