The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
