im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Randomize
