you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
