ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
