my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
