my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
