i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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