i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
