I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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