Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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