there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
He is an equal opportunity slut.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
