At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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