Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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