I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
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