they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
